The Big O Diary – Post 9

Posted in: Cancer, Random ♦ Saturday, November 19th, 2011, 10:24 pm ♦ No Comments

November 19, 2011

Hey MG peeps! I know, it has been AWHILE. First and foremost, I want to thank all of you for the incredible support you gave me over the summer. It really meant a lot to me and I truly appreciate it!

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind. I finished treatment, moved back to Cincinnati, celebrated my 40th birthday, and finally just returned from a week-long visit with my sister and her family in Atlanta. It has been super busy and I can’t believe Thanksgiving is next week. Yikes.

So life is good, right? Chemo is over. Clean bill of health. Traveling and visiting with friends and family recently has been fun. Lots of celebrating. I should be jumping for joy. Mostly, but not quite. So what is the problem?

Not sure. During the summer all I could think of was, I can’t wait until this is over. Then normal life will resume again. I lived in segments – only four more treatments, only two more treatments, only one more. It still kind of feels like a dream, especially now that I am back in Cincinnati (wait – just looked at my scars – not a dream).

I think it was hard to shake the patient mentality. Family and friends were so amazingly helpful that I didn’t have to concern myself with anything. I was pampered and fawned over. That was easy to get used to. Who wouldn’t like being taken care of all of the time? Everyone is so nice, caring and concerned. It is like being wrapped up in a big cozy blanket while wearing those super soft socks (thanks, J.J.!), and being spoon fed your favorite ice cream. AHHHH.

But then suddenly one day someone is tearing it off of you, saying, OK, you are all done now. Bye-bye. No more coddling and warm blanket. Get back to real life.

Real life??? Already? I thought I wanted that all along, and then when it happened I was not ready for it. I certainly did not like being booted out of my comfortable nest. I wasn’t ready to fly yet. What happened to all of the special treatment? Can’t you see that I am still bald and have no eyebrows? What am I supposed to be doing?

Transition is tough. No one prepares you for it. Especially the doctors. During treatment they watch you like a hawk. They know you by name. You can’t make a move without informing them first. Once you are finished with everything, they move on quickly. They have other patients of course, but still it is kind of hard to get over. You go from being newly married to just hanging out as friends every few months. Where’s the love?

As for blogging? Forget about it. It didn’t help that serious chemo brain set in and my synapses completely diffused. I couldn’t get words to form in my head, never mind flow out of my fingers. I was frustrated. I felt like I lost my mojo.

That is when I remembered a magnet that I had on my fridge this summer. It says ‘“Put On Your Big Girl Panties And Get Over It.” I love that magnet. No wonder I was a mess! I had left it in NH (duh) and needed that daily reminder. Nobody likes a whiner. Especially me. And here I was floundering around like a fish out of water.

No more of that! I am happy to report that my brain is firing on most of its cylinders this week and I am getting back into the groove (cue Madonna here). I feel energetic, happy, and more focused. It isn’t perfect yet, but definitely heading in that direction. Writing feels good, but is taking more time than it used to (this blog took me two days to complete when I can normally bang in out in 30 minutes). Ugh.

So onward and upward! I have lots of ideas and stuff in my head that will hopefully translate to tangible results soon. For those who sent emails to me through my website, I am working through them and plan to respond to each and every one very soon. Thanks for your patience! Please stay tuned for timelier blog posts and other MG updates!

Hope you and your families have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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