The Big O Diary – Post 4

Posted in: Cancer, Random ♦ Wednesday, July 6th, 2011, 9:39 pm ♦ No Comments

July 6, 2011

Treatment number three has come and gone. Husband has come and gone. Friends have come and gone. I am sitting here alone thinking about the last few weeks. I am feeling a bit ambivalent and not sure what to write about. What do I want to share? How best to articulate my thoughts and feelings?

Let’s start with the easy stuff. One thing is for sure – I love it here. I love, love, love being back in New England. It feels so good. I love being able to hear the boat engines on the harbor, and feeling the cool breeze coming in through the screen door. I love the smell of the salty air. I love taking Gracie for long walks along the historic streets. I love hearing the familiar accents (no R’s please!). I love that my family and friends are so close. It makes the recovery days that much easier.

Also easy – I love my husband. He is simply the best. Not sure what I did to deserve him, but I hope he knows how much I appreciate and love him. I miss him so much when he is gone too.

Now for the challenges.

Chemo. Now that I know what to expect, it makes it both easier and harder. Day 4 has turned out to be the worst, but then by Day 7, I start to turn the corner. So knowing that is coming makes it harder because I know how bad I am going to feel. Better though, because I know when I will start to feel better. A trade-off.

No hair. Wearing scarves and hats in 90 degree weather is not all that fun. Going bald in 90 degree weather is not a smart option since my scalp has never seen the light of day, yet it is cooler (why, oh why, could I not have had cancer in the winter?). So what is a girl to do? Well, this girl has been sweating her ass off during the day, but staying covered up. At night, she is embracing her baldness and wearing it proudly. OK, that is not completely true. Sometimes wearing it proudly then other times feeling like a freak. Depends on the day. I know I have said before that I will not allow the length of my hair to define me, yet sometimes it is hard to feel pretty and sexy with no hair.

MG. Admittedly, MG has been a struggle for me lately. I am not sure why. It was so simple before, so clear. I knew what I wanted to do and I did it. Easy breezy. Now it is hard for me to focus on. I think it is because of this manipulative ovarian cancer who is trying to steal the limelight. Bitchy cancer wanting all of the attention! I can’t wait until she is gone.

MAD For Cancer. This is my new brainchild, born out of the need to somehow connect to the ovarian cancer, and still embrace the melanoma. I want to Make A Difference, but not sure yet what that looks like. I created a FB page, but have no pics yet, and no concrete ideas. The premise is for people to share what they are doing, since so many people are doing so much. I hope that it will evolve with me during this journey.

That’s it for Post 4. I have a scan on Friday, then meet with the surgeon, then hopefully surgery. Will post again as soon as I can!

Oops – almost forgot another easy. All of the support, prayers, and posts that thoughtful and caring people have sent to me. It is remarkable and always helps me get back to a good place. Thank you!

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply